The Damnation of Remus J Lupin
by One Gurl Stand
Summary: It's a lonely life for Remus. His friends are gone and he is tired of fighting his daily battles. Then in a moment of sick brilliance he thinks he finds a way to take away the hurt and pain.....warningsuicide


The Damnation of Remus J. Lupin By: Ally

Evanescence-My Immortal I'm so tired of being here Suppressed by all my childish fears  
  
He stumbled out into the street. Many a night he found himself here, lost and confused. Cold, tired and hungry were the feelings and thoughts buzzing through his mind. Again, he was deathly afraid and wished he wasn't alone. Yet, that was the life he had kept for many years, in fact, 40 years this night. So is the life of a werewolf. No matter where Remus went he was plagued by this. No one wanted to hire him, no one wanted to even help him survive. He was like always, on his own. He wondered how he could be by himself on this night. Didn't he at one point in time have friends? The Marauders had left him. He was the only true one left. First James, then Sirius and who really counted that bastard Pettigrew who knew nothing of feeling wanted? Poor Remus, the downfall of him was once the thing that most lifted him up, his friends. But now they were gone.  
Gone without saying goodbye. Gone without a final hug, or a last word. This life was becoming worthless to him. Everything was becoming numb to him. So numb, that even when he transformed into the wolf he felt less pain. Physical pain was nothing to him now, it was nothing compared to his everyday struggle. The day after day pain of his emotions.  
And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave  
Remus continued walking along the muggle street. He often found himself here a few nights before the full moon. This street calmed him and made him reminisce of days of old. Along the street was a small cluster of homes and a park. They were strangely similar to the house of which Remus grew up in. The one he grew up in as a damned little boy, then as a damned teenager, and later a damned man. For 32 years he had transformed into the Wolf. And yet still, he was resentful and hadn't come to terms with it. How he wished it would just leave him and move on. How he wished anyone else would have been attacked...besides him.  
Even before he knew just exactly what was wrong with him, when he was a small child, he knew something was different about him. Compared to the other children his age, he was of a much higher maturity and I.Q. His parents just told everyone that they had a very gifted child but they knew full well that it was the wolf that sharpened his senses. Even while at Hogwarts he had a hard time with his identity. Quickly after arriving he had been accepted by James, Sirius and Sirius' extremely stalker like friend Peter. They didn't really care that he was different, or that for some reason at the end of every month he disappeared for 3 days. They always came to visit him in the hospital wing and they never asked to many questions because they didn't want to hurt his feelings by being overly nosey.  
Yet, they soon found out what he truly was and they oddly accepted him for all that he was inside. A lost teenager who needed friends more than anything and had a deep dark secret. A secret later on in life that would ruin him and turn him to the streets. This dreadful darkness that would later engulf him and turn him into a mere beggar. Cause your presence still lingers here And it won't leave me alone  
He came to the playground and sat down on a bench where during the day parents would watch their children and wave happily at them. A normal life to others, an unknown life for Remus. He remembered what Sirius had once told him, while they were still at Hogwarts together. It had been their sixth year and it was two days after the full moon.  
'You know Moony, you aren't the wolf,' Sirius said as he sat down at the foot of Remus' bed at the hospital wing.  
Groggily Remus had replied, ' If only you knew Sirius...I can barely control myself...and people are talking again'  
'Don't worry about them Moony, only worry about what you should be worrying about. You're regular Moony...no matter what anyone says. Always remember that,' and with that statement Sirius had left to go to Great Hall for dinner.  
'OH SIRIUS!,' Remus was talking aloud to himself again. ' Why must your life have ended friend? I could have taken James' death for I had you to help me through it...and now I have no one! Friends forever has become a cursed phrase for me, and now I even contemplate whether life is worth living when nobody wants you.  
These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time can not erase  
Remus remembered when he had naively thought that by the time he had reached this birthday, he would have found the cure to lycanthropy. So many times he had returned here to the same seat on the playground bench and wondered what it would be like to be but one soul. NO WOLF. Even outgoing James had promised him a cure.  
'Don't you worry Moony, by the time we are all erm...old men...uhh....40, we shall have found a cure!' And he had said it with such a wonderful grin on his face and with such hope that Remus had actually believed him. At that time he had believed they all would be friends forever and that everyone of them was unstoppable. Yet, time and tragedy caught up with every single one of them.  
Only 5 years after Sirius had died, and 20 after James and Lily had met their dreadful fate. Anyone who had known of Remus had already forgotten him. It must have been almost directly after Sirius had died that Remus lost it. He realized his life was nothing but a joke. He reasoned with himself that somehow he was being punished for something he had done. His blowup happened at Christmas with the Weasley's, a year after Sirius had died. Harry, Hermoine, and the entire Weasley clan had been there. Presents were being passed around and all were cheerful, except him. When a present was passed to him, he only stared at it. Soon all in the room were quiet. They were all waiting with bated breath to see his reaction.  
'No it couldn't be....'he thought as he looked at the gift tag. To: Remus From: Sirius Harry quickly spoke up.  
'We found this in Sirius' things. He had bought it for you before he died and just had never gotten the chance to give it to you. We all thought that giving it to you would be the right thing to do...like he had intended....'.  
Remus continued to stare....his gaze then moved from face to face in the Weasley living room. Everyone had started to stare at the ground, as if meeting his eyes were too much. They all knew that he was getting the gift but none of them thought he would take it this way.  
Quickly Remus threw the parcel to the ground, and a loud pop was heard as he disapparated to the playground that he was currently at. This place had somehow become his safe haven.  
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
Remus continued to think about lost times through out the night. He ended up sleeping on the bench that night, it seemed like almost every night he found himself on a park bench somewhere. The muggles didn't even pay attention to him anymore. They used to point and stare but lately they had taken to just staring at the ground and quickening their steps.  
Soon Remus was dreaming again, of happier times. Times when his friends were still alive, the times when he still wanted to be alive.  
  
James was back stroking in the lake on the Hogwarts grounds again. Naturally Sirius was attempting to make him drown and Peter was struggling to dog paddle directly behind him. Remus was in his usual place, sitting on the grass out looking the lake because he couldn't swim. 'I'll get you Prongs! Just you wait!,' Sirius screamed as he went after James.  
'SIRIUS....WAIT......UP......'gargled Peter as he half drowned himself trying to reach the two play fighting friends.  
After another half hour of their horsing around , the boys came out of the lake and dried off. The Marauders then proceeded to all lay out in the grass.  
'We'll be friends forever you know,' Remus had stated matter-of-factly.  
'Of course we will Moony! We are all going to grow old with each other,' James had said with so much certainty.  
'Are we going to be like those old senile wizards who keep gardens and meet up every Tuesday for tea?' joked Sirius, who had just accurately described James' grandfather. Peter hadn't caught onto the sarcasm behind the statement and replied, 'SURE!'.  
  
Remus awoke with a start. He was cold and oddly was soaking wet, he quickly realized that it was storming. He stared at his muggle watch and was startled to find that he had slept for nearly 20 hours.  
He knew he was losing it and that he couldn't take it much longer. One day he would completely break, the blow up would be worse than any of his previous tantrums. For this blow up would surely end his life.  
He had contemplated it before. How easily he could merely go and buy some silver...how easily he could cut himself with it. So many times he wanted to get out his anger and rage, by turning a knife on himself. Just end it all, how quick it would be. There were many scenarios he had played out in his mind over and over about that very thought...ENDING IT ALL.  
Just one bullet, one silver bullet to his forehead. Staring down the barrel of a .45 for a few seconds and then poof, all would be done. THE SUFFERING WOULD BE OVER. That way to Remus, was the cleanest way to do it. He could go to some abandoned old muggle woods and just end his life there.  
And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have all of me  
He sat up from the bench and unsteadily stood up. Today was the day, the day he would end his suffering. The very point in time that he, Remus J. Lupin , would end his cursed life.  
  
He reached into his back pocket of his torn and ragged jeans. He found his last bit of money rolled up there. Remus had begged on the corner for a week and managed to scrounge roughly fifty dollars. Just enough to buy a used gun, just enough to buy his END.  
Remus swiftly walked to the gun store on West Market Street in the small muggle town of Westerville. It was a short walk of 5 blocks from the park. He went and grabbed the door handle and entered the store, a bell rang to sound his arrival. Behind the counter was presumably the owner of the small store.  
'Can I help you sir?', he asked goodheartedly.  
Remus could hardly breathe.  
'Sir...?', he asked again.  
'Uh...yes, I would like to buy a used firearm. I'm going hunting and would like something reliable. The kind that ends the target's life with one shot.', Remus stated confidently.  
'Why sure, of course. I have just what you need. I'll have to go in the back to get it though. Just give me a few minutes,' and the owner hurriedly slipped in the back room to find the weapon.  
When he left, Remus took the time to look around the store. Gun cases lined the walls, and bullets layout in a glass container. Remus walked to the glass container and his eyes quickly caught a gleam....silver...the one thing he used to be most afraid of...but not anymore.  
The owner returned and showed Remus the firearm. A .45 that was very dependable and hardly used. 'I'll take it,' Remus replied with a look of determination on his face.  
The owner threw a box of free bullets into the deal and rang Remus up. He quickly gave the man the money and was about to leave when the man told him good luck. Briefly Remus stopped and turned but then quickly continued on his way, to the woods where he would put his new purchase to his temple.  
He walked for a hour before he found an old run down estate with a cluster of woods behind it. He slowly entered the woods and found a clean area, free of fallen branches and stones. His goodbye place.  
He stared intently at the silver bullet before him.  
You used to captivate me by your resonating light Now I'm bound by the life you left behind  
He started to talk to himself, like he often did when he was alone.  
'Would it have been different? Had Sirius and James not left me would I still be here? NO!', he steadily put the bullet into the gun.  
'DAMMIT SIRIUS! DAMMIT JAMES! I loved you both but you left me....you BOTH left me. Abandoned me and forgot about me just like society did a long time ago', Remus was now in tears. He was starting to sob and shake violently.  
'Well I'll show you all. I'll show you that I am still in control. This is my life! I'm still the same Remus J. Lupin. I'm not the wolf....I'm not the wolf.....'he started to repeat himself.  
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me  
He then raised the gun to his temple and sighed a sigh of relief. The kind of sigh you release when you are pleased with yourself or know that you have done the right thing. He then pulled the trigger and fell to the ground.


End file.
